Time to Let Go

What is it that makes a daughter looks up to her father?
Some would say it's the nature of things: girls bond with fathers and sons are closer to their mothers. All would depend on the parents themselves: whether each parent was an attentive or an abusive person.

Dr Terry Apter, a psychologist at the University of Cambridge says that: Daughters often see their father as being more objective than their mothers.

Mothers are the serious ones: they mend your clothes, they make sure that you eat your vegetables, you do your homework, teaches you housework and scolds you when you were naughty. A mother, well, sometimes thinks and expects a lot from a daughter.

A father in most cases, while presenting a stern exterior, usually has a soft spot for the daughter. You can count on Dad to be interested in the things that you are enthusiastic about. Mum would listen to your chatter but only until a certain point as she has many things on her hands and mind.

I was 22 years old when Dad died. It still hurts when I think about him.. which I tried not to do often and has not been doing so for a very long time. Dad was the only one who took the time to talk to me when everyone else is either bullying or making fun of the only girl in the family. While mum was always trying to get me to sing each time when there were guests, Dad would let me decide instead if I wanted to do it or not..

At times, when Dad could see me looking sad or with a worried frown on her forehead, Dad would just start the car and bring me along to his office or to his favorite kopitiam. There, the two of us would sit, Dad with a cup of coffee and me with her milo. He would then tell me stories about his life and the history of each building that we saw.

I would not understand all of his stories as Dad had a tendency to use big and sometimes complicated words but it was a happy moment for me. I would listen to the sound of Dad's voice and he was enjoying .. perhaps.. my companionship. If his friends came around to say hi, Dad would proudly introduce me to them as his princess. He told them how brilliant I was and how he thought that I will go far in life. He was the only one also who understood me when I voiced out my need to go far away from home, to stay in a boarding school and then to study abroad in France.

And for 4 1/2 long years, I have stayed away. Determined to only return home when I have something to show Dad. To be someone that Dad would be proud of. And at that time, I only made a few calls to home. Dad didn't want me to waste money. Thus cat would write long letters from time to time telling him what I saw and did in France. I was hoping that Dad would see it with my eyes. What hurts the most was that no one told me that Dad has passed away. It was only 2 weeks after he was buried that I knew he were gone.

Devastated, I came home to find everything has changed. There was not even a letter left for me. Maybe it was anger, or bereavement.. maybe also guilt for not spending more time with him and not being able to see him for the last time. I left my hometown a few days later to work as far as possible from anyone that I knew. Acting as if that episode in her life never happened and that I have been all alone all my life. It helps to convince me to forget what had happened and for me to start a new life.

Older now and perhaps understanding better on how life works..and knowing more about God, I have accepted the fact that I have to let go of the past. It's not my place to judge anyone and it can never bring Dad back to life again. I have made wrong decisions in life but I have also learnt a lot from those mistakes. Life is about learning and not about regretting.

Time to let Dad rest in peace and may God have mercy on his soul..
Amin..