On line

I want to record everything online in my blogs..
because..i forget things easily nowadays..
and this is the best place..for me to re read my days , and for those that are searching to understand..
and to forgive.

How are you

How are you?

I'm fine.
I am stronger than you'd think.
Sadder but stronger.

Sometimes people say that they want you to be yourself.  Actually,  that is not true. They want you to be the 'yourself' like how they see in their mind.  The 'you' that they can accept and wish you to be. 

I'm fine.
I know.  I am stronger than you'd think.
Stronger but sadder.

Blues

Cat is having the blues..
Keep having the song 'Yellow Lemon Tree' playing again and again in her head. 

Someone. Anyone.
Help turn the switch off,  please.

Don't you just hate it when you have a song stuck in your mind.

Memories

 When looking back to the past, Cat just realized that most of the days were painted in grey and it was a surprise to see that Cat has passed most of the tests. 

Masa kejadian tu, cat bukan darjah 2, tapi darjah 4 dan sepupu cat darjah 5. Sebulan setengah cat tak pergi sekolah sebab cat tak boleh berjalan. Doctor kata  kena pakai tongkat. Kalau ok pun, sure tak boleh jalan macam biasa. Yang kecik hati nya sebab tak de orang pun datang tanya khabar, kecuali orang2 tua. Start time ni, cat mula rapat ngan ayah. 

Ayah cat memang garang sesangat. Tapi selama sebulan tu, dia yang ajar cat English, matematik, agama islam dan sejarah. Dan setiap 2 hari sekali, dia yang bawak cat jumpa segala macam doktor, dukun, tabib untuk berubat/urut. Sakit tak terhingga. Macam macam cara just untuk lihat cat jalan semula. Malam malam, bila dia ingat cat dah tidur, dia bacakan selawat dan doa supaya cat sembuh. Guess, time tu cat aje lah anak perempuan dia.

Last sekali, kami pergi ke tabib cina, pakar sakit tulang dan urat. Dia urut dan bagi ubat yang kuat sangat bau dia dalam botol kaca warna merah. Time tu, cat dah berazam untuk jalan semula. Cat nak lari. Cat memang bukan atlit, masuk sukan memang gerenti kalah. Tapi cat memang suka berlari. Hari hari lepas emak urut kaki cat dan balut dengan bandage, cat berlatih berjalan sendiri dengan tongkat. Entah berapa kali jatuh, entah berapa kali nangis. Setiap tapak macam kaki pijak kaca..sakit. Orang kata semua nya kat fikiran. Kalau kita rasa kita boleh buat, sure boleh punya. Cakap senang. Otak berhempas pulas paksa kaki untuk melangkah, tapi tak boleh.

Tapi.. alhamdulillah, lepas tu sikit, sikit cat dah boleh jalan tanpa tongkat. Tapi memang kaku gile sebab lutut masih kejang. Berjalan macam robot. Abang abang bukan nak kesian. Dok kutuk adalah. Dia orang suruh cat jalan betul betul. Tuhan aje lah yang tahu macam mana rasa kat hati.

Saat paling mendebarkan bila ayah suruh pergi sekolah semula. Time tu, ayah dah tukarkan cat ke sekolah kampung, sebab dia tau kalau sekolah bandar (SKSAB) sure cat lagi tak tahan. Siapa kata sekolah kat kampung senang? Ceh..susah juga. Sebab ayah cikgu kat situ, tak de siapa berani usik kuat kuat. Tapi bila ayah tak ada, macam macam perkataan cat dengar. Tak payahlah kata apa perkataan tu.. tapi memang perit. Kalau dah tak tahan sangat, pergi le nangis kat tandas. Waktu rehat gi perpustakaan. Sebab sure sayu tengok diaorang main kejar kejar, lari sana sini. 

Sementara tunggu ayah habis kerja, cat berlatih jalan, naik turun tangga sekolah. Nak kasi lutut lebih flexible. Kalah orang berlatih untuk negara. Sampailah hari yang paling cat happy: bila cat boleh berlari. Tak de lah laju mana, cuma jogging je... tapi dah cukup untuk buat cat tersenyum lebar.

Masuk form 1, lepas dengar ucapan berkobar2 dari senior2 waktu rumah Budiman dapat jadi juara, cat masuk kawat. Sumbangkan bakti untuk rumah sukan. Hehehe, ingat lagi asyik kena tegur sebab marching tak betul. 'Tangan kanan kena selari kedepan serentak dengan bila kaki kiri melangkah". Ayat ni sampai mati pun cat akan ingat. Sebab basicnya, berkawad sama macam belajar berjalan juga. Cuma bila tak berkawad, langkah di kecilkan, dan ayunan tangan kena kurangkan. Lepas tu kena denda oleh senior tu sebab cat gelak time tu. :) There are things yang people take for granted, tapi satu pelajaran bagi cat: belajar cara2 berjalan. Then, lepas sekolah, belajar berjalan guna kasut tumit tinggi. Langkah semakin kecil, tapi basic dia stil  sama. Tangan now ni jangan di hayun. Tapi kira dalam hati : kiri, kanan, kiri, kanan, kiri. 
Dan hingga kini, kalau cat ada problem atau ada sesuatu mengganggu fikiran, cat akan berlari. And now baru cat ingat balik kenapa cat suka berlari. :) Sometimes, when you put a memory deep inside your memory, it gets buried deep down that you forgot. But it's still there. If i can do it at that time, surely i can handle anything now.. kan. Learning and finding the answers.. guess this is what they call growing up ..or is it another word for "getting older"? :) Still a long way to travel, cat..

Time

Time is supposed to be up for Cat.
She has done all that is on her list. She has cut off her ties with her old world so that no one shall shed tears when she is gone.

Then, why is cat still here? The 16 months limit is already way over. Cat is ready but..her number is still not yet call up.

Why ye. Doctors can also be wrong?
If that is true..then what is Cat supposed to do now..

With A Heavy Heart

It has been some time (quite a long time actually) since Cat wrote in this blog.
Blame it on the rainy season, blame it on the slow internet connection, blame it on the inflation or blame it on anything that is moving. The real reason is actually Cat has lost her passion to write. She does not want to write anymore, for fear that once started she could not stop. Writing allows you to release whatever that is bothering you, even those reality that you tried to simulate as stories. Now would be the time to start again.

Dad used to scold Cat a lot, saying that Cat is stubborn. Cat is not a person who learns from others experience. She needs to stumble and fall first, in order to know how much it hurts. Trust me, it hurts a lot, it does. The scratches and wounds are not seen on the face, but it cuts deep down inside. Some people say Cat looks better, prettier now than in the past. But the heart feels heavier with each passing years. What good is a pretty face when the heart yearns for something it cannot have.

He did once told Cat about 'Jodoh'. Cat was thinking that he may be just delaying things. Maybe he was not so serious about this relationship. He was asking Cat to be patience, but there are other voices around keep on asking Cat until when Cat wants to wait? Cat, in the end listens to the others instead of him. 

 That is the secret. That is what is making this Cat sad.

Sleepy

Life embraces us in many various ways.
Sometimes it comes with hope and happiness.
Sometimes it comes with pain and sorrow. We wake up every day to sometimes experience new beginnings, and sometimes new ends. We fall asleep every night with hopes to dream of beautiful dreams and to escape from the daytime stress.

And there were days like today,where you just feel too lazy to wake up. The alarm clock kept on ringing, getting louder and louder. Slept late last night, finishing a contract. And this morning,  every bit of you is not responding to the wake up call. Another half an hour, please..

Opening one eye..then another. Tugging slightly at the curtain. Ah.. it's raining outside. The weather does suits your mood.. Raining and cloudy. Closing one eye. Then another. Let me dream some more.. Hoping that when I open my eyes, it will be Sunday (ha! that will only happens when the moon turns purple). Hugging a pillow. Mmm..sleepy.. no, wake up.. sleepy lah..wake up, . Wake up!

Do you know the difference between 'hoping' and 'dreaming'? (smiling).
Hoping is wishing it's a Sunday even if you do know that today is Wednesday.
Dreaming is imagining how it feels to wake up with a kiss on the cheek :p
Ok, enough of that. Time to wake up. Stretching like a real cat.. and opening the eyes widely.