Trying to Live

Lately, cat is seized by a sort of undefined sadness.
Guess it is coming to this. Some of the most important truths are right in front of cat..but like all personal things, cat is trying not to see it, trying not to face it.

Sometimes, someone might be everything, the most important thing to you. But you are not his everything. You might always be at the 2nd place to him. Being put aside. From time to time, it's still ok, but when it happens almost always..unreachable.. drowning in sadness.

This fact does not come from that someone by direct telling. It was more of reading between the lines, half stories and silences. This is what making cat sit far away. Stay away , moving away..whatever that suits the situation. There is no more glue to make the pieces stick together. It's easier to live without such feelings than having all the feelings that does not have a place for it.

Went for a run this afternoon, directly after work. 1 km, 2km.. must be 4km altogether. At last, cat stopped. Sprawled on the green grass. Suddenly it came to mind: When all the muscles feel as if they are going to explode and you think you'll die a slow painful death, it is now time to take a break. The same goes with the mind. When you feel drained, sad and the throbbing going non-stop, it's really time to take a break. Cat got to find her peace of mind..

Would you understand...it's not about hate at all. It's not about you. It's about living..trying to live..

Signing off,
Cat

Talking Codes

It has been some time that cat has not written anything here.
Has been doing some thinking, some reading, some learning, some talking, some walking and lots of sums. :p Learning more about the internet, programming and blogging.

Conclusion? It's not that easy. It's much more faster to write an article than trying to know the programming for color codes, making a photo larger or smaller, and doing the roller post. What is cat talking about? It's the back engine thing..widgets, design.. and codes.

Some would ask cat: why waste time trying to learn all that? As long as cat can write and put pictures on her posting, it would be enough. It's the nature of cats. Curious animals. When cat is unable to sleep (yes...the insomniac thing has return), cat loves to go blog walking and google anything that comes to mind. And during the finger tapping activities, cat couldn't help seeing interesting widgets at friend's blog. And cat being cat, she just ask questions straight on. And afterwards, when her student... :p and friend is online, she will ask Student how to do it.

Cat believes that there's no harm done in knowing new things. Who knows..if one day (God forbid it!) cat is out of her current job, at least she can survive in this technology savvy world. But..to tell you the truth, all these code things just drives cat over the wall. :( It's not easy especially when you do not have any IT background).

Mostly, what cat managed to learn is due to a friend, who has the patience of a saint, to teach cat slowly step by step till cat can do it on her own. There is one or two widget programs that cat has abandoned due to her small head almost exploded with overloading of codes. And Friend was kind enough to send cat the whole written program for cat to try on her own.

Cat just do not know how he can absorb all those numbers and stuffs. :) Cat guess that God must have created friend with a bit more codes and widgets than any of us. In return, Cat is teaching friend to be less serious.. and to appreciate the simple things in life other than numbers.. :p

Lastly, just an exercise to refresh the mind.. :p

01010100 01110001, 01100110 01100110 01110010 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 01110100 01101000 01101000 01101110 01100111... :)

Signing off,
01000011 01100001 01110100 :p (laughing)
\:)

Something to Someone

They say that when you have known someone for such a long time, things are bound to go stale or bumpy as you make your journey throughout the years. Cat used to laugh at this phrase. Cat thought that everything depends on you and your attitude : Whether you think you can or you think you cannot..you are right.

If you put all your strength and mind into your relationship, surely things will not change for the worse. Cat believed that her sheer will power would be enough.

Every night, for 12 years, before going to bed, Cat promises to herself that she would do her very best to ensure that he would not get bored with Cat. It's not a question of responsibility at all. It's about love, care and trust. When you are with someone, you try to give everything into that relationship : everything you do would come from the heart. Happiness is to see that person happy and to know that you are part of what makes him happy.

It has been quite sometime that Cat has not written. Words has left Cat, just empty decorations in a mind full of worries. Alas, tonight, the heart just feels like it's breaking into pieces. Tears just rolled off automatically and endlessly.

          Without trust, there's no way that things and thoughts can be shared.
          Hurt kept piling inside and the division grew larger.

          The harder you try, the more it hurts.

That is why it's better to take a stand and move away when you have exhausted all your resources. Giving up is not to blame anyone.. giving up is more about ..trying to break away from all the pain..trying to lick the wounds.. trying to live..



Cat is sorry that everything should end up this way..

An Internal GPS

Cat has been looking up at the night sky almost every night. Even when it rains, clouds adding the darkness to the landscape, Cat would still take time to at least steal a glance upwards. Sometimes you see things better with the heart, and not with the eyes.

There are times when Cat feels like an alien. Not 'aliens' as what some people like to put names on others. But..'aliens' as in 'Terminator' or 'Aliens' or 'ET' (extra terrestrial beings).

Seriously, there are times when all that Cat does, is misunderstood by others.What is logic to Cat, seems illogical to others. Weird? Cat doesn't think so. She has tried to change her ways but, it's just that when series of unpredictable events happened at the last moment ( there's a lot of them too), the way Cat took action is regarded as non conformist. Rebel? No, not at all. When things needed to be done, Cat just went and do it, not thinking of what effect it would have on those that are close to her. 

Wise men say, only fools rush in. And that would define Cat.

Maybe that is why if you look at Superman and Batman , you would see why they end up being lonely. Taking in the fact that Cat is no hero, it hurts more when the explanations were treated as odd, childish, and not what a normal responsible adult on earth would do. To avoid more misunderstanding and arguments, you would just keep it all to yourself and just apologize.  

But, it does make life lonely when you cannot share things with those closest to you. You cannot show your real self but be what is expected of you. Acting your age and doing what is expected.

Cat was wondering...if there are other beings on the planets above, would there be an alien who feels the same as Cat? Feeling out of place? Would it be that we were mistakenly placed at the wrong moment and at the wrong universe? Can we exchange places again..? As now, it's either Cat hurts someone else feelings or she hurts her own by trying to please others.

Well, Ms Alien, do send Cat a UFO or..at least an internal GPS to implant in her head so that she can think and act like the others? Wishful thinking, Cat. Joining the United Nations would be a better and closer to home,wouldn't it?

P/S : Sorry if Cat makes everyone upset and worry about Cat. It was certainly not done with intention. Just Cat and her odd ways. Would staying away.. makes it easier? Hmm...